Time Travel Surprise in the Mail

Look what I got in the mail?

The thing is, I don't remembering ordering it or winning it, but I did stroke it wistfully when I was last at the book store.

I'm so stoked to read it.

Why? Because it's a YA Time Travel book. And it's written by the German author Kerstin Gier.

I love Time Travel and Germany. Double win.

Also, you may or may not know this, but I write YA Time Travel. Have been since before it started trending, so of course, I'm curious.

This book is doing super well with lots of buzz everywhere. Plus the cover is fantastic! So can't wait to read this.

Thanks Mail Faerie!!

Author Anne Riley Interview --Why Her Agent Told Her to Self-Publish

I've been a follower of Anne Riley's blog for some time and now consider her a writer/bloggy friend.  Though she has an agent, she recently decided to Indie-Publish her YA book THE CLEARING. I'm in the middle of it right now, and I have to say that Anne is a terrific writer and story teller. I'm totally sucked in. All the right twists and turns and steady character development. It's a great read at a great price on Kindle.

1. We all know that publisher lists are getting smaller and that more authors are going after those slots than ever before--did this situation have something to do with why you chose to self or indie-publish your book THE CLEARING, or were there other reasons?

Self-publishing THE CLEARING was actually my agent's idea! I know, CRAZY. So, here's what happened: Agent Alanna submitted my book to editors in the spring of 2009. They loved it, but they rejected it. I revised it. We went back on submission in the fall of 2009. The editors loved it, but they rejected it. I revised again. We went on submission for the last time in the spring of 2010. I went to acquisitions with a crazy huge publishing house. All the associate editors loved my book and wanted to sign me. The senior editor didn't. I cried for a few months, then talked to Alanna about my options. Since we'd exhausted our submission list, she suggested I self-pub the book as a way to get my name out there and make a little money. So I did!

Your experience sounds excruciatingly painful. So glad you took your agent's advice!

2. Now that you've had an indie published book out for a while, how would you describe your overall experience? 

I believe the technical term for my experience would be "freaking amazing." I'd do it again in a heartbeat. And you know, it's really taken the pressure off my shoulders. I have an audience to write for, whether I'm traditionally published or not, and at the end of the day all I wanna do is write. Of course I am still working for traditional publication, and working HARD. But if it never happens, life isn't over for me - I'll just be taking a different route to connecting with my readers!

Freaking Amazing is definitely a technical term and correctly used by you. :) Yay, for alternate routes!

3. What advice would you give to an author who is considering Indie Publishing? Anything you'd do differently next time? Anything you'd be sure to do again?

Self or Indie publishing can be a great experience. It can also be an awful one. If you have an agent, you have to talk to them about it; remember, they have first rights to sell your book. If they can't, then I highly recommend it, as long as there's no one else you want to submit to.

I wouldn't do anything differently, and I'd be sure to do everything the same. I have loved the whole experience, although it did take a while to get used to the idea of self-publishing; it carries such a stigma. But if you're a good writer, it doesn't matter - and if you think about it, there are a whole lot of books on the shelves at Barnes & Noble that make you think, "Really? This was published?" 

With the success of so many Indie authors lately, (including Ms Rowling!) I think the stigma is lifting.

4. Will there be a next time?

Oh yeah, baby. I'm working on a YA novel called PULL that will go on submission this fall. While it's out with editors, I plan to write a sequel to THE CLEARING for release on February 1, 2012. That one will probably be self-pubbed, too, and depending on how things go, PULL might go the same route!

Written in the fall and released in February--that's fast. Good for you!  All the best with PULL on subs. We're rooting for you.

5. What are you working on next?

Oops! Already answered that one!

6. Tell us a bit about THE CLEARING. How did your idea form?

It's the story of a girl named Natalie whose parents die in a really odd way, and the official report about how they died just doesn't make sense to her. She's from Georgia, but ends up moving in with her aunt, who lives in Maine. Her aunt is the headmistress of this really snooty boarding school, and when Natalie enrolls, she's bombarded by these three bullies who won't leave her alone. In the midst of all that drama, she meets a boy who is accused of murdering his own sister a year earlier. When it turns out that he also knows something about Natalie's parents, she can't help but talk to him - and then she gets caught up in his late-night excursions into the forest, where some crazy stuff is going down. Once she realizes what she's gotten herself into, it's too late to get out - although she's not sure she wants out.

Tantalizing!!

7.  Now the fun stuff: sweet or savory?oceans or lakes? Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper?

Sweet or Savory: I love me some starchy carbs! But I also love cupcakes. So, um, both.

Oceans or Lakes: Anytime I go to a lake, people always try to make me waterski, and believe me when I tell you that the LAST thing I should ever do is strap long wooden planks to my feet and be dragged along the water at high speeds. So, oceans.  

Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper: Brad Pitt has weird facial hair and Bradley Cooper seems kinda sleazy, so I'm going to go with my true Hollywood crush: a little known actor named Paul Bettany. He was in that movie Wimbledon with Kirsten Dunst. I heart him. 

Yes, I do know who he is, and I see the appeal. :)

THE CLEARING blurb:

I don’t know what I expected him to do. A magic trick, maybe? A back flip? If I was honest, I didn’t think it would be that impressive, whatever it was. Maybe I was hoping he would pull out some kind of document that explained how my parents had really died, or that he would summon their spirits and I could talk to them. Regardless of whatever guesses I might have made, I would never, ever have expected him to do what he did in the moments that followed. One second, I was looking right at him. The next second, Liam Abernathy vanished on the spot. And two seconds after that, he flickered back.

*

Natalie Watson doesn’t believe the reports about the way her parents died. In fact, she’s not sure she believes in much of anything these days. But after moving from her home in Georgia to her aunt’s boarding school in Maine, solving the mystery of her parents’ deaths is just one of several things on her mind. When she’s not fending off attacks from the popular kids or taking refuge in the pages of a novel, she ponders the rumors circulating about a certain boy in her math class . . . a boy with fiery red hair who never speaks to anyone.

Despite suspicions that he may have murdered his sister a year earlier, Natalie finds it impossible to stay away from Liam Abernathy – especially when he confesses to knowing something about her parents. Soon she’s following him into the forest, where things happen she doesn’t understand . . . things that shouldn’t be possible.
As Liam’s story unfolds, Natalie realizes she’s more connected to him than she ever thought–and not everyone she counts as a friend can be trusted.

Thanks for stopping by, Anne. If you have any questions for Anne or me, let us know in the comments. We'd love to hear from you!

Travel Diary - Hawaii (Not Really- but the plane ride there is a story!)

This is a re-post from November 2009 but I'm guessing many of you are new to my blog. Since most of you have either been to Hawaii or have seen episodes of Hawaii 5-0, I probably don't have much new to tell you that you don't already know. But I did have an interesting encounter on the plane ride there. READ ON TO FIND OUT MORE. 

Monday I woke up at home and found out I was leaving for Honolulu the next day. A spur of the moment trip my good friend booked while I was sleeping. I couldn’t very well say no, could I? Would you? I haven’t done something so spontaneous in a long time, and I used to be a very spontaneous person in my younger, unencumbered years. So this feels really good. When you come from Canada, there’s just something about palm trees that sooths the soul. Especially in November.

But the coolest part so far happened on the plane ride on the long, no frills, Westjet flight from Vancouver. A gentlemen, (he later told me his name was Cliff) sat alone beside me in the isle seat. He was thin with grey hair and deep lines in his leathery face. His eyes were narrow and runny and he talked with his knarly knuckled hands.

He lives near Toronto and two years ago he and his wife of 58 years were in a car accident. It was his fault and his wife died. In the 58 years he and Shirley were married, they vacationed in Waikiki twenty two times. They were planning to go again for their 60th anniversary which is why he was traveling to Honolulu by himself at 83 years of age—to scatter her ashes.

He told us, me and my friend Donna, about how he had met his wife as a member of the British Royal Navy on loan to the Canadian Navy in the war. He was eighteen and she, fifteen. They got married sometime after the war,( he never moved back to England,) and he worked many years for Canada post. They had three children, loved to skate and hike together, traveled together and had a very happy life. He spoke of her with such love and admiration, it made my heart ache.

And it made me thankful. For my life—my wonderful husband, terrific kids and the adventurous life I’ve had so far. I hope that if I’m blessed with a long life like Cliff, I will be as spry, and aware as he is. And that I’d be able to forgive who I need to along the way, especially if it is myself.

So what do you think? Isn't that romantic?! 

TRUE GRIT - True Brilliance in Scene and Dialogue

DH and I watched TRUE GRIT last night starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin. At least, that what the billing leads you to believe starred in it. I don't understand Hollywood. Hailee Steinfeld the young girl who played the fearless Mattie Ross was the real star. She even got nominated for an Oscar for Best Female Supporting Actress. Cool. Except I don't get how an actress playing the lead character (it was her story) and the only actor in every single scene could be considered a SUPPORTING Actress, however alas, Hollywood is more complicated than New York Publishing.

But to the point of this blog: the fantastic writing. Once again the Coen Brothers have pulled another hit out of their combined hats, full of quirky characters and witty, clever dialogue.

Here are two scenes that happen early on. Mattie's character alone is enough to keep you reading, uh-hum, watching even though she hasn't even started on her quest yet. (True Grit the movie is based on a novel by Charles Portis. I wonder if the author is the genius behind the dialogue or the C brothers? Will have to check it out..)

In this scene Mattie looking for Marshal Rooster Cockburn. (How great is that name?) She knocks on outhouse door. We never even see Cockburn's face.

R:  (Low, rough, smoker's voice).The place is occupied.

M: I know it is occupied, like I said I have business with you.

R: I have prior business.

M: You’ve been at it for quite some time.

R: (angry) There’s no clock on my business! (bangs on the door). The hell with you. How did you stalk me here?

M: The Sheriff told me to look in the saloon. In the saloon they referred me here. We must talk.

R: Women ain’t allowed in the saloon.

M: Wasn’t there as a customer. I’m fourteen years old.

R: (silence) Well, the place is occupied. Will be for some time.

You have to love Mattie's tenacity. It's obvious that these two characters are extreme opposites, full of conflict. We want to see more scenes with them together. 

This is a scene not too long afterwards. Mattie negotiates with the clerk her father bought ponies from. I didn't catch his name, but he's an older, white haired business man who's round in the belly. This conversation moves very quickly: the clerk starts off with a patronizing tone, soon to realize he's met his match in a young girl.

M: I’m Mattie Ross. Daughter of Frank Ross

C:  Oh. Tragic thing. May I say your father impressed me with his manly qualities, he was a close trader but he acted the gentlemen.

M: I propose to sell the ponies back to you, that my father bought.

C: Now that  here is out of the question, will  see to it that they’re shipped to you at my earliest convenience.

M: We don’t want the ponies, we don’t need them

C: That hardly concerns me, your father bought them and paid for them and that there is the end of it . I have the bill of sale.

M: And I want three hundred dollars for the saddle horse that was stolen from your stables.

Pause

C: You have to take that up with the man who stole the horse.

M: Tom Chaney stole the horse while it was in your care. You are responsible.

C:I admire your sand, but I believe you will find that I’m not liable for such claims.

M:You were the custodian. If you were a bank that was robbed, you couldn’t simply just tell the depositors to go hang.

C: I do not entertain hypotheticals. The world as it is is vexing enough. Secondly, your evaluation of the horse is high by about two hundred dollars. How old are you?

M: If anything my price is low.  Judy is a fine mare, I’ve seen her jump a fence with a heavy rider. I’m fourteen.

C:That’s all very interesting. The ponies are yours, take them. Your father's horse was stolen by a  murderous  criminal. I had provided reasonable protection for the creature as per our implicit agreement. My watchmen had his teeth knocked out and can take only soup.

M: I’ll take it to law.

C: You have no case.

M: Lawyer Dacket (from?) might think otherwise, as might a jury. Petitioned by a widow and three small children.

C: I will pay two hundred dollars to your father’s estate when I have in my hand a letter from your lawyer absolving me of all liability from the beginning of the world to date.

M: I will take two hundred dollars for Judy, plus one hundred dollars for the ponies and twenty-five dollars for the grey horse that Tom Chaney left. He was easily worth forty. That’s three hundred and twenty-five...

C: the ponies have no part in this, I will not buy them.

M: And the price for Judy is three hundred and twenty-five dollars.

C: Ha, I would not pay three hundred and twenty-five dollars for a winged Pegasus. And as for the grey horse, it does not belong to you.

M: The grey horse was lent to Tom Chaney by my father. Chaney only had the use of him.

C: I will pay two hundred and twenty-five dollars and keep the grey horse. I won’t take the ponies.

M: (she stands) I can’t accept that. If there is no settlement after I leave this office it will go to law.

C: All right, this is my last offer. Two hundred fifty dollars I get the release previously discussed, and I keep your father’s saddle. The grey horse is not yours to sell.

M:  The saddle is not for sale. I will keep it. Lawyer D will prove my ownership of the grey horse and he will come after you with a writ of  (? didn't catch the word)

C: A what?

M: A writ of rec....

C: (exasperated) Oh, alright, now listen very carefully as I will not bargain further. I will take the ponies back and the grey horse, which is mine, and settle, (pause) for three hundred dollars. And you can take that or leave it and I do not much care which way it is.

M: Well, lawyer Dacket would not wish me to settle for anything under three hundred twenty-five dollars, but I will settle for three twenty, if I get the twenty in advance, and  here’s what I have to say about that saddle.

End of scene.

Isn't that fabulous? You just want to stand and cheer for the girl. Did you notice how much we learned about her character, just in the way she spoke with a man who could very well have intimidated her? These strong scenes make her situation, a 14 year old girl traveling with one sometimes two US Marshals to find her father's killer and bring him to justice is suddenly believable.

Have you seen True Grit? What are your thoughts? Are there other movies or books that inspire you with great dialogue?

Is the Book Store Going the Way of the Dinosaur?

Two years ago when Amazon unveiled the kindle 2, (The earlier kindle was unleashed 2 years prior, so the whole e-reading thing isn't really that old) you could hear warrior cries among the publishing industry masses--"Print Books Will Never Die!"  "People Will Always Want to Hold a Book Made of Paper in Their Hands!"

No one ever dreamed that our beloved bookstores would be affected in any big way.

Boy, were we wrong.

Check out this article by the Wall Street Journal, Borders on the Brink of Liquidation.

Is it possible that 399 stores employing 11,000 people are positioned to shut down? Disappear forever?

I don't even live in the States and this concerns me. I mean, I may go there sometimes and where will I shop for books?

What can bookstores do to survive? Here in Canada, we have a book chain called Chapters. They sell books and a lot of other non-book stuff.

Fellow Canuck, Austin James recently posed the question on his blog, Should Book Stores Sell More than Just Books?  And if so, at what point does the book store just become a department store that has a book section?

No easy answers here.

Which brings me to my confession. I LIKE E-BOOKS. I do. And I don't even own a kindle. Or Nook, or other legitimate e-reader. I'm reading my books on my i-phone.

Why do I like it? I don't mind the small screen, really. To me it's like reading a magazine article. Once you get into the story, you don't even notice you're reading a really long column.

I can buy my books in an instant and (usually) for much cheaper. This is helpful to my budget and to my luggage weight when I travel.

Even if I don't read what I buy, I don't sweat it. It's not a big investment. Cheaper than a Starbucks coffee. (Actually, something feels off about that, but anywho...) And it never goes away unless I delete it so I can always go back to it later. The Shelves Never Get Full.

I know I'm sounding kind of two faced here. I want my cake and eat it too. I want my e-books and the bookstore in my town. I love visiting books, stroking them, reading back copy, admiring covers, and on occasion, plopping a twenty down on the counter to buy one.

Readers aren't the only ones concerned about the shrinking bookstore trend. Agents and Editors are pretty unhappy about it as well, for obvious reasons. Plus they are facing the accompanying exodus by published authors to join the e-publishing revolution. (See Passive Guy's post-in the link- for more on this). They're starting to get cut out of the equation and the subsequent piece of the financial pie. Agents and Editors are busy trying to figure out their changing roles in this new publishing landscape. Check out Laura Paulings post on Agents as Publishers to get more info on the debate.

I don't know the answer to this one. What do you think? Is there a way to have the best of both the e-book and print book worlds?

PLOT DEVICE

Here's a humorous video going around the blogosphere. It's a bit on the long side, but so brilliant, you'll be glad you took the time to watch it.


Plot Device from Red Giant on Vimeo.

Query Critique #3 - Elle Style (The Four Step Plan)

 Nicole has submitted her query for critique. I will once again use the four step plan as explained here.
These are the steps. 1) Who it's about. 2) The Circumstance. (You could also call this the situation or world set-up) 3)The Conflict. 4) The Twist (or hook).

My first impression about this query is that there is a problem deciding what information to include and what not to. This is a common problem when trying to boil down a novel length work into a couple paragraphs. We'll have to try to weed out what can go, and strengthen what needs to remain.

Dear Ms. Agent:

Two years ago, standing before her dead sister, sixteen-year-old Quinn Montgomery vowed to never fall in love. This first sentence is a little awkward. We think the story is about a 16 year old girl, but then right away we find out that she's eighteen. Best to name only one age. Let's establish who this book is about. Eighteen year old Quinn Montgomery vowed never to fall in love. That statement alone is strong enough. That is, after all, what killed Zoe her sister.  With these two sentences we know who it's about, 18 year old Quinn, a girl who has a dead sister. Love. Now eighteen and forced to take on a job modeling nude to pay her private school’s tuition since her family’s been financially ruined, Quinn meets Torrin. This is a run on sentence that gives us the information in the wrong order. What is the Circumstance? Her family has been financially ruined. In order to pay for her tuition she secretly takes a job modeling nude for a local artist. Then she meets Torrin.

Now we're ready for the conflict Self-assured and utterly carefree, Torrin wants nothing more than to prove what happened to Quinn’s sister won’t happen to Quinn. So when he coaxes her into a “relationship,” Quinn plays along, assuring herself that spending time with him—even though she’s still hiding her true identity—is just for kicks. These sentences hint at the conflict, but could be more concise. Torrin promises not to break Quinn's heart. Quinn is not ready to risk her sisters's fate by allowing herself to fall in love. She convinces herself their affair is just for kicks. Even though she's growing attached to Torrin, she can't bring herself to reveal her true identity (as a nude model?).

But is it?

Facing off with the one at school who’s learned of her peculiar means to earn money and battling threats made to turn her in for indecent conduct, this is a conflict plot point and should be part of the previous paragraph if it's important.Quinn must confront her own heart and challenge her deepest fears about love. And it turns out loving someone isn’t so terrifying after all. But, would it still be easy if the person you’ve given your heart turns out to be the one who stripped your family of everything? Destroyed the Montgomery cachet? Basically ruined your life?This paragraph is trying to say too much. This is where we want the twist. Just when she thinks it's safe to fall in love, she finds out Torrin is responsible for the loss of her family's fortune. Can their love survive?

ROW ME AWAY is a young adult novel, complete at 63,000 words. Again, I prefer this info up front, but it's okay to put it here too.

A teacher of eight years, I hold a Master’s Degree in Education. I have served as editor and editorial writer for the Butterfly Facts, and have recently reached the semi-finals of Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel Award contest with a separate manuscript. I am also the founder of YA Stands, a group blog focused on young adult reading and writing. Great bio snipit.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

I'd be happy to look at a revision, Nicole, if you are interested. Just post it in the comments.

What do you think? Do you have any advice for Nicole?

Also, if you would like your query critiqued, Elle Style, just post it in the comments. 

Travel Diary - The Isle of Capri

The Isle of Capri is the famous island off the western coast of Italy near Naples. Its roots are ancient, going back to the time when illustrious visitors included some of the apostles of Jesus. Nowadays the famous inhabitants include people like Sophia Loren.

Where it is.

A sign in the parking lot at the Bucharest airport.

Getting to Italy from Romania is pretty inexpensive, but once you get to Italy, prepare to empty your pockets, and getting to Capri is no different.You have to take a ferry to get there, then you have take another boat to tour around the island, and then you pay again to take a little row boat into the Blue Groto. 

Which you so totally want to to. Don't leave before you get to the short video at the bottom. You'll be amazed.

We only spent an afternoon there, so considered this the condensed tour. Actually, I never thought I'd be blogging about my trip so I never paid attention the way I would've other wise, but here are a few pictures.

Those are DH's legs in the middle of the rower's legs!

When we arrived at the the entrance of the Blue Groto (=cave), we were greeted by the row boat people. They were more than happy to take another 20 euro each and squeeze four of us into a boat, making us lie down. DH and I traveled with another couple. My friend and I had to lean back onto her husband--so cosy! I can't imagine if we were actually strangers as some probably were. :)

Once inside you are greeted with waters so blue you can't believe it.  The rower guy (I'm sure there's a proper title but I don't know it) then starts singing, which sounds pretty sweet.  Of course, the cave gets a little crowded after awhile, and with all the rowers singing, it does feel a bit like a Disney ride.

And just like that it's over. Still, it was fun and worth doing.

Afterward when the island ferry successfully delivered us back to the bay, we hiked up to town center for lunch. It's several stories worth of stairs. There's a reason people take the train up, but I'm glad we walked. You get a better feel of what it's really like for the locals who live there.

View from the top.

All in all, a very nice way to spend an afternoon.

Thanks for visiting my travel diary!

Query Critique #2 - Elle Style (The Four Step Plan)

 Kathryn has submitted her query for critique today. I developed a Four Step Plan to query writing which I'll apply to Kathryn's query. I hope that it will be of some help to you and to  Kathryn.

To review, a query should include these four things: who the story is about,  the circumstance, the conflict, and the twist.

Let's begin.

Dear Ms or Mr. Agent:

When twelve-year-old Roze agrees to retrieve an ancient magic stolen from Lithuania’s Merfolk, she’s desperate to free her mother, kidnapped by the Mermaid Queen.Right away we know who it's about and a little bit about the circumstance. But after battling sprites, tricksters, Gypsies, and a mind-cleansing forest clan, Roze is having second thoughts about giving up her newfound powers. Pay the Queen ransom? Bah! She’d rather rule the Baltic Sea. The circumstance. We know right away that she has a new power and it's controlling her rather than the other way around. Very good.

Undeterred by warnings from friends and family, Roze falls sway to the thrill of sorcery as she prepares to claim the throne. Now she’s turning foes into monsters and placating outraged villagers with rocks magicked into gold. As the hour for her mother’s release draws near, Roze must find the strength to give up the magic that enthralls her or challenge the Queen to a supernatural war. This paragraph just elaborates more on the circumstance. We already know she's got a problem with power. We are missing a definite conflict.  The last sentence is the twist, but in this state, it is missing its punch. Right now I'm confused as to what giving up the magic has to do with challenging the Queen to a supernatural war.

We have hints as to what the conflict is. She's preparing to claim the throne. The hour for her mother's release is drawing near. I don't know the story, but this is where I'd advise the writer to examine the plot and clearly identify the main conflict. It can't just be examples of her bad behaviour with power. Is there someone (perhaps the Mermaid Queen?) or something preventing her from rescuing her mother, even with the ancient magic? Is the struggle within, she doesn't know for sure if she wants to rescue her mother? I'm just speculating here, but this is what I feel is missing from this paragraph. Was she always in line for the throne, or is she planning to attack the queen and just taking it. Is Roze a Mermaid, then?

For the twist (or hook), we need to know what choice Roze has to make, and what the stakes are if she chooses one way or the other.

WORSE THAN WICKED, a middle-grade fantasy adventure, features elements of Slavic mythology and is complete at 47,000 words. It’s geared for readers ten years and older, I'm a fan of putting this information up front. An agent wants to know right away, what kind of book the query is about and who the intended audience is. who wrestle with issues of self-control and dream of the power to mold the world to their liking.

[NOTE WHY I'M CONTACTING THIS PARTICULAR AGENT]Can't hurt.

My articles and reviews have appeared in publications such as Odyssey and the San Francisco Examiner. I belong to SCBWI and started a local branch. Great bio tidbit.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
Me

What do you think? Do you have any advice for Kathryn?
Kathryn, I'd be happy to look at a revision if any of this resonates with you.  Also, if there is anyone else who'd like a critique, just send it to me in the comments.  (Or if you know of anyone, just direct them to this blog.) 

Update: Kathryn, re-wrote her query based on the feedback up above and in the comments.


I would like you to consider my 47,000-word middle grade fantasy, WORSE THAN WICKED, the story of a girl who becomes addicted to the magic meant to free her mother. Perfect. Right away, we know what kind of book it is and who it's for. Think The Wizard of Oz meets Bilbo Baggins at Mount Doom. [NOTE: This last part is something my SCBWI group came up with yesterday. We were trying to brainstorm kidlit characters who fall sway to magic and that’s as far as we got. I swear, these triple-digit temperatures fry our brains!] I like the comparison. It's not always necessary in a query, but if you have one that nails it, like this one does, you should use it.

When twelve-year-old Roze sets off to retrieve an ancient magic stolen from Lithuania’s Merfolk, she’s desperate to free her mother, kidnapped by the Mermaid Queen. Who it's about  and a bit a circumstance. And with the above para, I can clearly see her. But after bruising battles with sprites, tricksters, Gypsies, and a mind-cleansing forest clan, Roze is having second thoughts about handing over her hard-won powers. Pay ransom? Bah! She’d rather overthrow the Queen. More great Circumstance.

While preparing to claim the throne, Roze succumbs to the dark power of magic, though each spell leaves her with blinding headaches. As the hour for her mother’s release draws near, Roze must heed warnings from family and friends and give up the sorcery that enthralls her or risk igniting a supernatural war. The Conflict. So much better.  We really can sense her inner conflict and how great the stakes are getting.

But how do you reason with a girl who thinks she has the power to control everything? The twist. I would read on to find out what will become of this girl. The only suggestion I'd have here is to take it out of second person. I'm not going to reason with her. I suggest re-wording it slightly. Even saying --how does one-- it probably fits how the people talk  or could talk in this world.


What do you think? Better?  
I wouldn't hesitate to send this out now, Kathryn. Just make sure your opening pages are just as strong.

A Query Critique - Elle Style

 UPDATE: I accidentally deleted this post, so this is a repost, but unfortunately, I lost the comments. Sorry about that!

 Stephanie was brave enough to post a query for critique in yesterday's comments, so here it is. I hope all of you, and especially Stephanie find it helpful.

This is how I break down Query writing:

Tell us who the story is about. Add the circumstance, the conflict and the twist.
I should confess that I didn't use this four step template when writing the query and pitch I used as examples in that post. It's more of a recent breakdown based on my latest pitch, which works.

 Let's take a look at how this template would work with Stephanie's Query.


Dear Ms (or Mr.) Fantabulous Agent, the first letter should be addressed Ms or Mr. After you've had first contact, it almost always moves to first name basis.

I'm going to skip ahead to the part half way down the query where the word count is given. I think this should be stated closer to the front of the query, as agents want to know basic stats right away. Also, at 100, 000 words, there is going to be a lot of plot points. The question for the writer is, which ones to include in the query and which ones to leave out. Sometimes it's easier to write the query before the book is written, because it's at this stage, usually, where the writer is aware of the main and important plots.  As it gets developed, those main plots get harder to identify. The four points of query writing should help with this.

Daughter to a bear trainer in the Hippodrome, Theodora must provide for her two sisters after her father dies. This states Who it's about. It wouldn't hurt to hint at her age here. Also if you begin the query with the title (and stats) I already understand some of the context. As it is, I don't fully clue in until I get to the words Constantinople and Byzantine Empire (though I know Hippodrome should be a clue, but I'm not that quick!). She claws her way past every actress in the city—including her older sister—to become Constantinople’s premier actress, all in the hopes of enticing a wealthy aristocrat into becoming her patron. She gambles on the wrong man. He abandons her in the frontiers of the Byzantine Empire, despite his promises to marry her and elevate her to the nobility. Alone with an infant, she sells her body to make her way back to the capital. The Circumstance. This is presented clearly here. It's interesting, and now I'm waiting for the conflict. There Theodora is introduced to Emperor Justinian. He wants her. This is the intro to the conflict. I'd start a new paragraph with this sentence.

But Theodora can be Empress or mother, not both. The conflict. Group with previous two sentences

The Emperor needs a wife who can provide him with an heir, not a woman with a son to tangle the line to the throne.Not sure that you need this line of explanation. Theodora must decide what’s more important: pleasing the emperor who claims to love her or keeping the son he can never know about. This is the twist.  However, you could word it as a question to create more intrigue. What will Theodora do? Saying she needs to decide what is important, doesn't give it a lot of energy, as all readers would agree the son is more important. I think Theodora knows this too. What is her true angst? Can she deceive the Emperor and keep her son hidden risking exposure and execution or should she flee with her son, even though it means returning to a harder life? (Something like this. She needs a hard choice.) A question will keep your readers turning pages to find out, and hopefully your new agent too!

THEODORA: MISTRESS OF BYZANTIUM is historical fiction complete at 100,000 words. As stated before, I would put this at the beginning.

I am a history teacher who has traveled to Istanbul for research and am currently at work on my next novel about XXXX, one of England’s notorious and charismatic medieval queens. Perfect tidbit about Stephanie and she's also showing the agent that she has more than one book in her.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

 Thanks again, Stephanie for submitting your query for critique.


What do you think? Do you have advice for Stephanie?

Feel free to post your query in the comments if you'd like a critique--Elle style.

How To Write: The Query Quandary-- and the four step approach to writing a good one

You may have noticed that after 21 How To Write installments, there's not even one written on how to write a query.

That's because I sucked at writing queries. And hated them, too. Query was just another way to spell Rejection. 

But like all types of writing, query writing can be learned. And, as I've come to realize, query writing is something you continue to do even after you get an agent. Only now you call it "the pitch".

I recently presented the pitch of my latest wip to my agent and happily I got an enthusiastic response. Yes, I love the premise. I'd be happy to see more of this. When I'd sent her an earlier "non query like" description of my idea, her response was less than excited.

Knowing how to condense the idea of your novel into a two or three paragraph pitch is a skill that you will always need. In fact, it's basically what goes on the back jacket flap.

So, what makes a good query/pitch?

Tell us who the story is about. Add the circumstance, the conflict and the twist. 

The end.

I'll use the query that got me my first agent as an example, with the caveat that I know it's not great, but it did the trick.

In CLOCKWISE (YA, chick lit, 60K), boy watching with her best friend would be enough excitement for fifteen year old Casey Donavan. Who it's about. She doesn't even mind life at the bottom of the Cambridge High social ladder, if only she didn’t have this other much bigger problem. Unscheduled trips to the nineteenth century!(A little more about who it's about. I think the last sentence could've been cut.)

When Casey gets talked into going to the Fall Dance, the unthinkable happens--she accidentally takes Nate Mackenzie, the cutest boy in the school, back in time.  The circumstance.  Protocol pressures her to tell their 1860 hosts that he is her brother and when Casey finds she has a handsome, wealthy (and unwanted) suitor, something changes in Nate. Are those romantic sparks or is it just ‘brotherly’ protectiveness? When they return to the present things go back to the way they were before: Casey at the bottom of the social totem pole and Nate practically the flag flying from the top.The conflict. (Actually there are a few conflicts listed here, but one is usually enough). Except this time her heart is broken. Plus, her best friend is mad, her parents are split up, and her little brother gets escorted home by the police. The only thing that could make life worse is if, by some strange twist of fate, she took Nate back to the past again.

Which, of course, she does. The twist.

That alone would suffice as a pitch. In a query you should add a little information about yourself.

I added that I'd had editor requests from a Writers Conference I'd recently attended, my publishing history and two book titles whose readers I thought would enjoy this book.

Thank the agent for his or her time (make sure you address the query to them personally), and let them know if you plan to submit to other agents.

Sign it Sincerely, with your real (not pen) name. 

 Here is the pitch for the second companion book  (which isn't finished).

Fifteen year old Adeline Who it's about. had hoped that the move west from Cambridge to Hollywood with her single dad would mean they’d finally bond like a real family, but all she got was a father too busy with his new female friends and his passion for acting to really see her. The circumstance.  Instead she finds herself getting attached to Faye, the divorcee hair dresser she befriends when she travels back in time to 1955. Plus Faye has a hottie, James Dean-esque, bad-boy brother who has Adeline’s heart all aflutter.  But bad boys from the past can be dangerous. The conflict. Adeline finds out the hard way that she really does belong in her own time and that the right boy lives as close as next door. The twist.

  

Again, that's not great. I wrote it a long time ago, so I think I could do better if I attempted it now. The conflict in that pitch isn't really that well defined.

I wish I could post my latest pitch, which I lurve, but for now it remains a sekrit. Someday.

Any questions? If you'd like to post your query in the comments I'd be happy to give a gentle critique.

So You Think You Know Me....Happy Canada Day!

Canadians often feel misunderstood by Americans. And overlooked. Maybe we have a complex, but it`s hard not to when you travel to the states, tell them you live near Vancouver and they ask if that`s by Toronto. (The Olympics may have cleared that up, but I`m not sure.) Or when you move to Massachusetts for a year and a kid at your son`s school asks him where he learned to speak English.

Canadians know all about American politics and entertainment and have a good idea where all the major cities lie. We know the name of the first lady and what she looks like. (How can you not?) And here's where I confess that I would pass the Prime Minister's wife on the street and not know it.

If you're curious as to how Canadians and Americans differ, this BEER COMMERCIAL pokes a little fun. It's our attempt at being patriot. (A trait Americans own.)





And to all my American friends, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, weekend!!